Not that long ago, one of my dear friends was talking about being diagnosed with Crone's disease. We were all attending a dinner at a friend's house and everyone was curious as to the drama that had been happening to him. This drama included a couple of intense surgeries and a considerable amount of pain. All this coming on the tail end of another mutual friend going through chemo and radiation.
As he spoke, there was sort of a bond between them...they had both been through a lot. He asked her something that stayed with me. He told us that once he had been diagnosed, he wanted to find out everything he could about it and asked her if she had done the same. She said yes.
At that point, right there, I asked myself the same question...if there were something going in within my body that would affect the rest of my life, would I sit passively by and let it happen to me or would I actively find out everything I could? Unfortunately, the answer I came to at the time reflected a certain lack of confidence in my own ability. I figured that since I rarely finish books, end up on facebook when I get access to a computer, and never can find the voice to ask questions, that I would simply sit passively by and wait for the inevitable.
So it was to my pleasant surprise that when I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately found my voice to ask questions. I asked Dr.s and nurses and clinics and friends everything I could. I asked myself a lot of questions. Chris bought me "What to Expect When You are Expecting" and I must have read half of it the first week I had it.
Since then, Chris and I have asked question after question to our Dr.s and nurses, interviewed 3 midwives, watched a birthing video and TLC's A Baby Story, and I've read 4 books in preparation for the birth of my first baby. Both of us did so much internet research on my unique condition (didelphys), different books, symptoms, and what medications are okay during pregnancy.
Most of what we have learned has come from our own experiences and constant questioning of everyone. Everyone. Even our sonographer doesn't escape our constant questions.
I really have to thank Chris for asking the questions I couldn't and being there for me even when I couldn't be there for myself.
I have a deep faith in our little family that we are creating. Even if I can't always find confidence in myself, I have a lot of confidence in my baby and in my own body. I have full confidence that Chris will be at my side when I need him the most (because he has been). Pregnancy is hard, but there is a prize at the end.
Thank you, my dear friend, for making me question myself...will I be passive to one of the most important moments of my life, or will I rise to the occasion and actively take control of my own birthing experience? You bet your ass I'm going to do everything in my power to give my baby girl the best birth I can.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Symptoms (Bueno? Mal? You decide!): I am awesome
I am awesome...
Truly. First because I just am. Duh. Second...well, you try driving while puking like 7 times into a small cup.
Sometimes you find out that you're awesome while driving down the street puking...
Truly. First because I just am. Duh. Second...well, you try driving while puking like 7 times into a small cup.
Sometimes you find out that you're awesome while driving down the street puking...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Pitter Patter: Of little Baby feet on my insides
I can honestly say that there is nothing in this world quite like feeling your baby kick you from inside. Sometimes I laugh when she's going at it in there doing whatever it is that babies do in there. Sometimes it even tickles. And maybe I'll be eating my words when she gets bigger and starts pounding on me, but I still haven't gotten tired of it.
I fall asleep with my hand in an optimal position in which to feel her little dancy feet or hands or knees or elbows. A few times I have looked down at my tummy to find it horribly distorted by a small butt pushing out on one side. She's only 2 lbs. at this point and laying sideways. I feel her feet on my left side and her little tiny hands on my right. When she was smaller it felt like bubbles popping on the inside of my stomach. Now I can distinctly feel an elbow go across my tummy or little fingers grasping.
Now every time we go in to get our sonograms done she kicks at the instruments. The last time we went in I thought there was something seriously wrong with our baby or at least with the fetal heart monitor until the sonographer started laughing. Every time she would try to get a good heart beat there were a few woosh woosh wooshes and then a sickening noise and the heart beat sounds would stop. We were relieved when she told us we just had a kick boxer amongst the ranks. That sickening noise that stopped the beautiful heart beat sounds was our baby kicking the monitor from the inside.
She is an amazing and strong little girl and I'm proud that she's ours. I don't think I've ever loved something that I'd never met before so much.
I fall asleep with my hand in an optimal position in which to feel her little dancy feet or hands or knees or elbows. A few times I have looked down at my tummy to find it horribly distorted by a small butt pushing out on one side. She's only 2 lbs. at this point and laying sideways. I feel her feet on my left side and her little tiny hands on my right. When she was smaller it felt like bubbles popping on the inside of my stomach. Now I can distinctly feel an elbow go across my tummy or little fingers grasping.
Now every time we go in to get our sonograms done she kicks at the instruments. The last time we went in I thought there was something seriously wrong with our baby or at least with the fetal heart monitor until the sonographer started laughing. Every time she would try to get a good heart beat there were a few woosh woosh wooshes and then a sickening noise and the heart beat sounds would stop. We were relieved when she told us we just had a kick boxer amongst the ranks. That sickening noise that stopped the beautiful heart beat sounds was our baby kicking the monitor from the inside.
She is an amazing and strong little girl and I'm proud that she's ours. I don't think I've ever loved something that I'd never met before so much.
Symptoms Bueno: No periods!
Oh my God, this might be one of the best things about being pregnant. Duh, we think about how great it is when we aren't pregnant, but pregnant women rarely talk about it. They are all tightly wound around the really horrible symptoms of pregnancy.
I, for one, truly appreciate not having periods. 1. For the obvious reasons...no mess, no tampons, no ruining pants, NO CRAMPS!
But for me there is a bigger reason. I'm happier. You might think, well, with all those perks of not having a period, of course you're happier! Not so my friend. And here's why: Those other tightly wound women are right...parts of pregnancy suck the big one. Taking away a few monthly problems and replacing them with daily ones that are sometimes worse is not what made me a happier person.
No, the answer is in the hormones. I've cried maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 6 months whereas before I'd cry several times a month. My period hormones gradually became worse and worse until I was chewing people out, marathon crying, bloating until I looked like an effing blow fish, and going on a monthly roller coaster ride of emotions. Now that my hormones are always high, I'm actually physically happier. I smile more. I have less negative things to say. I LIKE my job! No more marathon crying either!
Some random guy at Stone Age saw me teary eyed one morning and proceeded to let me know that it was normal for someone as hormonal as a pregnant lady to experience a lot of crying for no reason. I can honestly say that of the few times I have cried in the last 6 months, only one of those times was I not brutally aware of the exact reason why I was crying. None of those times lasted for any longer than 5 min. or so. The last time I cried before I was pregnant, I literally couldn't stop crying for about an hour, maybe more.
I explained this to him in less detail. He then said "Oh trust me, you will," as if to tell me that because he knew one pregnant lady who cried a lot, that I too would experience the 'hell of hormones.'
If I took to heart anything anyone has said thus far about these kinds of things, I would have worried myself into an anemia. Like I said, listen to your midwife...and to yourself. Heck, don't even listen to me...if you need to cry for no reason, no shame. It's just not my style.
I, for one, truly appreciate not having periods. 1. For the obvious reasons...no mess, no tampons, no ruining pants, NO CRAMPS!
But for me there is a bigger reason. I'm happier. You might think, well, with all those perks of not having a period, of course you're happier! Not so my friend. And here's why: Those other tightly wound women are right...parts of pregnancy suck the big one. Taking away a few monthly problems and replacing them with daily ones that are sometimes worse is not what made me a happier person.
No, the answer is in the hormones. I've cried maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 6 months whereas before I'd cry several times a month. My period hormones gradually became worse and worse until I was chewing people out, marathon crying, bloating until I looked like an effing blow fish, and going on a monthly roller coaster ride of emotions. Now that my hormones are always high, I'm actually physically happier. I smile more. I have less negative things to say. I LIKE my job! No more marathon crying either!
Some random guy at Stone Age saw me teary eyed one morning and proceeded to let me know that it was normal for someone as hormonal as a pregnant lady to experience a lot of crying for no reason. I can honestly say that of the few times I have cried in the last 6 months, only one of those times was I not brutally aware of the exact reason why I was crying. None of those times lasted for any longer than 5 min. or so. The last time I cried before I was pregnant, I literally couldn't stop crying for about an hour, maybe more.
I explained this to him in less detail. He then said "Oh trust me, you will," as if to tell me that because he knew one pregnant lady who cried a lot, that I too would experience the 'hell of hormones.'
If I took to heart anything anyone has said thus far about these kinds of things, I would have worried myself into an anemia. Like I said, listen to your midwife...and to yourself. Heck, don't even listen to me...if you need to cry for no reason, no shame. It's just not my style.
Symptoms Mal: My sphincters tell me what to do.
This, among other things, was how Chris had come to the determination that I was pregnant before it had even been an idea in my scrawny little brain.
We met for breakfast. I desperately had to pee before we sat down. When was the last time I had to pee in a restaurant? I can't remember. After a movie, sure, but a restaurant? No. And before breakfast? Definitely not usual behavior for me.
Being pregnant is just another way of saying that you will hand over all control to your sphincters. They are like the mob. Seriously. They will make your life hell if you don't listen to every word they say...
It does not matter where you are, how focused a person you are, how much discipline you have...you will bow to your bladder (and to your colon). And from what I hear (and have thus far experienced) it only gets worse.
Too many times I would try to "stick it out" only to have to run (somehow with my legs tightly squeezed together) very quickly to the bathroom before I had a mental and physical breakdown. There was a brief period of time when I would have this same excruciatingly desperate feeling only to have a teaspoon of piss come out. For a long time I peed 5 times a night and even more in the day. I still dread long car trips. I don't like going into places (the hardware store for example) where I just know that even if there is a bathroom I don't want to use it (you will anyway, but in this case there wasn't one). And don't get me started about #2. That would turn your stomach. Lol.
Looking at it, and knowing what I know about birth, this must all be a test. Not a test of will power, oh no. A test at how good you are at giving in to your body...of how well you listen, of how damn patient you can make yourself become. Because when that baby is ready to come out...you can have will power and keep it in for a long long time (and have a hell of a long labor), or you can give in and let your sphincters take over the job. It's up to you.
We met for breakfast. I desperately had to pee before we sat down. When was the last time I had to pee in a restaurant? I can't remember. After a movie, sure, but a restaurant? No. And before breakfast? Definitely not usual behavior for me.
Being pregnant is just another way of saying that you will hand over all control to your sphincters. They are like the mob. Seriously. They will make your life hell if you don't listen to every word they say...
It does not matter where you are, how focused a person you are, how much discipline you have...you will bow to your bladder (and to your colon). And from what I hear (and have thus far experienced) it only gets worse.
Too many times I would try to "stick it out" only to have to run (somehow with my legs tightly squeezed together) very quickly to the bathroom before I had a mental and physical breakdown. There was a brief period of time when I would have this same excruciatingly desperate feeling only to have a teaspoon of piss come out. For a long time I peed 5 times a night and even more in the day. I still dread long car trips. I don't like going into places (the hardware store for example) where I just know that even if there is a bathroom I don't want to use it (you will anyway, but in this case there wasn't one). And don't get me started about #2. That would turn your stomach. Lol.
Looking at it, and knowing what I know about birth, this must all be a test. Not a test of will power, oh no. A test at how good you are at giving in to your body...of how well you listen, of how damn patient you can make yourself become. Because when that baby is ready to come out...you can have will power and keep it in for a long long time (and have a hell of a long labor), or you can give in and let your sphincters take over the job. It's up to you.
Epiphanies: We've come a long way Baby
At this point, I (and Chris and I) have come a long long way. It's actually hard to look back on it all. Most of the time I just feel like forgetting everything up to this point...shoving all of the memories into a box with the label: "What was that all about!?" or "Let's just pretend the baby started at 3 months in my tummy."
It was upon looking back (way back) that I realized that if this had been my second child I would have known very quickly that I was pregnant. For Heaven's sake, Chris knew before I did.
A friend and I had taken a trip out to Las Conchas to climb. Like an idiot, I didn't pack any snacks, had very little water and instead got some beer for the trip. I'd had a big breakfast and figured I could make it to lunch time without anything more.
Half way up my third climb (and 1/3 of a beer later) I start shaking violently. So violently that I began to get dizzy, very weak and EXTREMELY hungry. Remember, it had only been a couple of hours after my last meal.
I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get up a 5.7. I felt like I was going to have to go into the woods and kill something and eat it. As a child, this same feeling had come over me many times and I was diagnosed with "hypoglycemia." I never put together that day, that I could be pregnant.
I immediately called off the climbing and demanded that we go into town for food.
It wasn't until much later, while reading a really awful pregnancy book that I recounted this event. The woman was telling a story about her first red flag that she may be pregnant. She and her husband were out to dinner. The service was taking a lot longer than expected. She was so desperately hungry that she demanded her husband hunt down their waitress and bring them bread...NOW! My first thought was that she was somehow exaggerating this feeling. After all, she had exaggerated almost everything else. Then it hit me. I felt like an idiot. That was exactly how I felt that day.
It was upon looking back (way back) that I realized that if this had been my second child I would have known very quickly that I was pregnant. For Heaven's sake, Chris knew before I did.
A friend and I had taken a trip out to Las Conchas to climb. Like an idiot, I didn't pack any snacks, had very little water and instead got some beer for the trip. I'd had a big breakfast and figured I could make it to lunch time without anything more.
Half way up my third climb (and 1/3 of a beer later) I start shaking violently. So violently that I began to get dizzy, very weak and EXTREMELY hungry. Remember, it had only been a couple of hours after my last meal.
I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get up a 5.7. I felt like I was going to have to go into the woods and kill something and eat it. As a child, this same feeling had come over me many times and I was diagnosed with "hypoglycemia." I never put together that day, that I could be pregnant.
I immediately called off the climbing and demanded that we go into town for food.
It wasn't until much later, while reading a really awful pregnancy book that I recounted this event. The woman was telling a story about her first red flag that she may be pregnant. She and her husband were out to dinner. The service was taking a lot longer than expected. She was so desperately hungry that she demanded her husband hunt down their waitress and bring them bread...NOW! My first thought was that she was somehow exaggerating this feeling. After all, she had exaggerated almost everything else. Then it hit me. I felt like an idiot. That was exactly how I felt that day.
Symptoms Bueno: (Granola Alert!): Weighing In.
One of the amazing things about my pregnancy is that I feel like this is my natural state. This is how I should look, how my tummy should feel, how happy I should be all the time. It all feels like I was waiting for my natural self to take shape and now here it is. I am truly happy in my own skin, which is something I cannot say for big parts of my life.
I feel as though maybe not a lot of women feel this way. I hear a lot of them tell me how fat they felt, how they couldn't wait not to be pregnant anymore, how they didn't look at themselves in a mirror, or couldn't stand having pictures taken. This is not at all how I feel.
I had a woman very early on warn me not to get too big too quickly. I think maybe I had mentioned that I couldn't wait to truly show. She said that I would not like it as much as I thought...that I'd have plenty of time to be "big"...and that I shouldn't eat too much. One thing you learn (or should learn) EARLY in your pregnancy is not to listen to anyone. Well, listen to your midwife. Listen to yourself. She was basically thinking that I would eat myself to death in order to look bigger. Oi. It is true, I did eat more in my first trimester simply because it made the nausea go away, but there was no way I wanted to look bigger by adding fat to my body. I'm a personal trainer for Heaven's sake. I'm not an idiot. I couldn't wait to have that "bowling ball" look that only a little baby can provide.
I'll tell you right now I weight 155 lbs. and I've rarely been happier with my body. I'm completely comfortable telling you that I gained 15 lbs. in the first 3 months and have steadily climbed since then. I grew into my eating so to speak. Believe me, don't let people scare you into thinking that you are a bad person for gaining weight while you are pregnant. Most of it is baby. For me, most of the first trimester was nausea binge weight and now I'm growing with my baby. I don't feel guilty.
I feel great.
I feel as though maybe not a lot of women feel this way. I hear a lot of them tell me how fat they felt, how they couldn't wait not to be pregnant anymore, how they didn't look at themselves in a mirror, or couldn't stand having pictures taken. This is not at all how I feel.
I had a woman very early on warn me not to get too big too quickly. I think maybe I had mentioned that I couldn't wait to truly show. She said that I would not like it as much as I thought...that I'd have plenty of time to be "big"...and that I shouldn't eat too much. One thing you learn (or should learn) EARLY in your pregnancy is not to listen to anyone. Well, listen to your midwife. Listen to yourself. She was basically thinking that I would eat myself to death in order to look bigger. Oi. It is true, I did eat more in my first trimester simply because it made the nausea go away, but there was no way I wanted to look bigger by adding fat to my body. I'm a personal trainer for Heaven's sake. I'm not an idiot. I couldn't wait to have that "bowling ball" look that only a little baby can provide.
I'll tell you right now I weight 155 lbs. and I've rarely been happier with my body. I'm completely comfortable telling you that I gained 15 lbs. in the first 3 months and have steadily climbed since then. I grew into my eating so to speak. Believe me, don't let people scare you into thinking that you are a bad person for gaining weight while you are pregnant. Most of it is baby. For me, most of the first trimester was nausea binge weight and now I'm growing with my baby. I don't feel guilty.
I feel great.
It's 11am...
...and I need to get ready to interview another midwife. We've been seeing a perinatologist once a month. We figured out pretty early on that once a month was kind of excessive for sonograms...and we figured out quite late that our Dr. does nothing. He reads sonograms. But we like seeing our daughter and we have no one else, so we go.
At first I was against, then just reluctant to look into homebirth. So far we've met with one homebirth midwife and 2 nurse midwives (hospital midwives). It was then that it all came together. Chris and I began to unravel the mystery of American births.
This blog is both a collection of my pregnancy stories and a recollection of how we came to know what an American birth meant.
A key: To put some order to this otherwise chaotic blog (which it no doubt will be), I will use a code. This blog cannot, will not, ought not be in chronological order. Sorry. However, with these markers you may be able to make some sense of my nonsense :).
1. Symptoms Mal: Pregnancy tales from the dark side
2. Symptoms Bueno: The light and wonderful side of pregnancy
3. Aspirations: Dreams I have for raising my child
4. Exasperation: Trials and tribulations
5. Pitter patter: Baby kicks
6. Perspiration: Work stories
7. Midwife Profile: Interviewing midwives
8. Epiphanies: Realizations I came to
Happy reading!
At first I was against, then just reluctant to look into homebirth. So far we've met with one homebirth midwife and 2 nurse midwives (hospital midwives). It was then that it all came together. Chris and I began to unravel the mystery of American births.
This blog is both a collection of my pregnancy stories and a recollection of how we came to know what an American birth meant.
A key: To put some order to this otherwise chaotic blog (which it no doubt will be), I will use a code. This blog cannot, will not, ought not be in chronological order. Sorry. However, with these markers you may be able to make some sense of my nonsense :).
1. Symptoms Mal: Pregnancy tales from the dark side
2. Symptoms Bueno: The light and wonderful side of pregnancy
3. Aspirations: Dreams I have for raising my child
4. Exasperation: Trials and tribulations
5. Pitter patter: Baby kicks
6. Perspiration: Work stories
7. Midwife Profile: Interviewing midwives
8. Epiphanies: Realizations I came to
Happy reading!
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