Epiphanies: Questioning myself

Not that long ago, one of my dear friends was talking about being diagnosed with Crone's disease. We were all attending a dinner at a friend's house and everyone was curious as to the drama that had been happening to him. This drama included a couple of intense surgeries and a considerable amount of pain. All this coming on the tail end of another mutual friend going through chemo and radiation.

As he spoke, there was sort of a bond between them...they had both been through a lot. He asked her something that stayed with me. He told us that once he had been diagnosed, he wanted to find out everything he could about it and asked her if she had done the same. She said yes.

At that point, right there, I asked myself the same question...if there were something going in within my body that would affect the rest of my life, would I sit passively by and let it happen to me or would I actively find out everything I could? Unfortunately, the answer I came to at the time reflected a certain lack of confidence in my own ability. I figured that since I rarely finish books, end up on facebook when I get access to a computer, and never can find the voice to ask questions, that I would simply sit passively by and wait for the inevitable.

So it was to my pleasant surprise that when I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately found my voice to ask questions. I asked Dr.s and nurses and clinics and friends everything I could. I asked myself a lot of questions. Chris bought me "What to Expect When You are Expecting" and I must have read half of it the first week I had it.

Since then, Chris and I have asked question after question to our Dr.s and nurses, interviewed 3 midwives, watched a birthing video and TLC's A Baby Story, and I've read 4 books in preparation for the birth of my first baby. Both of us did so much internet research on my unique condition (didelphys), different books, symptoms, and what medications are okay during pregnancy.

Most of what we have learned has come from our own experiences and constant questioning of everyone. Everyone. Even our sonographer doesn't escape our constant questions.

I really have to thank Chris for asking the questions I couldn't and being there for me even when I couldn't be there for myself.

I have a deep faith in our little family that we are creating. Even if I can't always find confidence in myself, I have a lot of confidence in my baby and in my own body. I have full confidence that Chris will be at my side when I need him the most (because he has been). Pregnancy is hard, but there is a prize at the end.

Thank you, my dear friend, for making me question myself...will I be passive to one of the most important moments of my life, or will I rise to the occasion and actively take control of my own birthing experience? You bet your ass I'm going to do everything in my power to give my baby girl the best birth I can.